Friday, September 12, 2014

Out of Balance


Skills to master this/next week:
  • Listening
  • Quieting the inner and outer voice
  • Calmness
Plan of attack:
  • Stop commenting on strangers' Instagram feeds and/or blogs
  • Stop feeling judged by every human and animal, plant and mineral on the planet
  • Focus on these two/three (sorry for cropping you out, Ian. The ice coffee cup was harshing the vibes.)
  • "Gratitude is about having a great attitude" (thank you poster on the wall in Williamsburg. If I ever get a tattoo, this will be it.)
This is not going to turn into a mental health blog. Yet. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Wanderings/Wonderings


When describing a person walking aimlessly about, Alden will say that they are "wondering around."
The two of us wondered around one day in late August, while Ian and the Sushi went grocery shopping, and found a hillside community garden, tucked away at the bottom of our neighborhood. Or maybe it was the top--I'm still not completely oriented here.

It was inspiration overload, with the organized chaos of late summer vegetation, scattered murals and tiny installations, chickens and laundry. A few days later, Ian's mom (with an amazing garden and chickens of her own) gave me some books on herbs and since then, I've been wondering away with thoughts of what our new little patch of front yard could be.

There is a fantastic little herbal shop in our neighborhood, with a tiny potted jungle of herbal bounty growing from the sidewalk out front. When Alden and I wondered in last week, the owner was concocting elderberry syrup in the back, surrounded by rows of jars filled with dried flowers and leaves. Real magic at work!

Do you ever get the feeling that what you want or need is camouflaged right before you? I'm collecting inspiration, but haven't been able to synthesize it just yet. The night sky is dense with stars, but I can't make out a single constellation.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Everything is Awesome







I can see the beauty all around me. And I feel it too. And I know how lucky/blessed/capable, whatever you'd like to call it, that I am. I also know that I am too sensitive and self-sabotaging. And that sharing these roughly formed and ill-worded feelings are probably generally thought to be a bad idea. But I also know that it's important (for me, and probably for most people) to ignore most of the imagined chatter of others. Haters gonna hate, right? I have let invisible haters keep me from Doing, but that needs to stop.

The overwhelming assault of information is a poor excuse for shutting down, but that's what seems to have happened. I almost cannot believe how many mamas out there are doing exactly what I was/have been doing. Like, overnight there are 50,000 options on Etsy and Instagram for handmade harem pants, Liberty print what-have-you and a million more gorgeous shots of every day life by people expertly "cropping out all the sadness." There was a time when I was so busy making and doing and living my life that I actually wanted more people to do what I was doing, because I loved it so much and loved being in flow with it all and I wanted that for everyone. And now that I can't figure out how to get back to it, I find new makers online and I just want to cry. I love their work, that looks so much like my work, I love their photographs that show all the love I have hidden away. I feel like the Selfish Giant, longing for my lovely garden to return, yet still unwilling to share it.

These words and thoughts and feelings are so off-putting. They are bitter and childish and though everyone feels them sometimes, we're not supposed to give them voice, but BUCK UP, SQUASH THEM! BE POSITIVE! LET LOVE IN! And all that. But how do you get to the good if you're completely ignoring the bad? It seems dishonest. So here I am being honest. I love and hate you, internet monster, but the people at the other end, adding to the collective cacophony, I have nothing but love for. I'm going to chip down my walls and feel all the feelings until I'm free again.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Fashion + Feelings


Two of my people are wearing clothes that I made, but the best dressed lady (who I just realized is wearing the same outfit as in the last post) is wearing my friend Marissa's line, SOOR PLOOM. The pants were recently passed down from Alden, who sprouted up like so much Queen Anne's Lace in the past few months. How boring we parents are, continually sighing about the growth of our little weeds! But also, how amazing it is to watch a tiny, immobile thing, covered over in fat rolls and its own saliva, evolve into something so wiry and energetic in such a short time. What else is there, really? We just keep stretching out forever until we don't and if nobody's watching, something extraordinarily average and amazing might be missed. So we'll keep watching and sighing and hoping that in our last sigh, we catch a glimpse of one of these moments.

I've been doing a lot of sighing and grouching and not much else lately. In a bit of a funk. The world sometimes sucks, in all its glory and there are the every day straws competing for the esteemed title of back-breaker. Generalized anxiety, bad feelings, depression all seem like impossible luxuries in the face of the terror that surrounds us on the news, at the doctor's office, on the other end of the phone line. But there it is, sometimes. Hard to rally one day, up and at 'em the next. Swarms of feelings like that are so very human, yet they're designed to trick us into thinking we're alone. We're not. None of us are.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Secondhand Loveliness


Sushi helped me style some photos for our eBay listings. She was relatively patient, considering, but would not allow for ironing or even sweeping, so we're a little rough around the edges. As secondhand clothes should be, I suppose!

I am finally parting with most of my stash of Oilily children's clothes that I obsessively collected before I had children. Most of it, while totally adorable and still very loveable, just doesn't seem to match what I have going on for baby big girl S. There is one little sun suit and one completely ridiculous dress that I can't seem to part with, but the rest is up for grabs, along with this super amazing pair of Bu and the Duck overalls and some other goodies.

I really really want to open a little shop. Like, a real live store. Everyone I know says it's a horrible idea, especially if I also want to make things. I'll never make any money. I'll be tied to it. They're probably right. Online is the way to go, I guess, but how many web shops can you really have, all selling the same thing? I'm thinking about it, though. Maybe having a little online shop with by-appointment hours for Baltimore mamas who want to come have a cup of coffee and peruse a little corner of the house, stocked with lovely baby and kids' stuff? A mama can dream, at least.
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